Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
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I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I feel it
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually