Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
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I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Y’all know who you are.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
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ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”