Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
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[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
what’s really going on
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.