[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
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Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.