Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
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*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
🤣🤣💀
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it