children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I鈥檓 thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn鈥檛 exist.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 馃敟馃寠馃槑馃寠馃敟
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
These people act like they鈥檝e never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don鈥檛 worry it鈥檚 just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it鈥檚 so itchy.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I am never leaving this website