Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
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Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.