Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
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Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.