Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
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Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped