Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
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Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.