Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
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Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
And now we wait
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.