Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
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Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
#SCOTUS one-star review
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?