Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
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Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
dogs can find happiness so easily
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.