Children of the corn 🌽
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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars