Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
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NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
new career option?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.