“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
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If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Anime is real
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”