@sixfootcandy

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

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@iwearaonesie

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

@aparnapkin

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

@LifePitts

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

@Quack_Daniel

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

@OyVeyLady

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

@Brampersandon_

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

@TwoSapphiresBlu

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

@LeahTiscione

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

@tjalamont

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

@ObscureGent

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.