“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Battery falling down a hole
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.