Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
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I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?