Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
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Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Sending in my taxes
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.