CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
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I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
This meal prepping shit easy
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.