[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
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You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.