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I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Hey I worked for it too!
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.