Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
You Might Also Like
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!