Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
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A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost