chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
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Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs