Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
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Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK