CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

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Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???


[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car


Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?


*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*


Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.


stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses


Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.


Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.