CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
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They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Him: Itβs over. Youβre too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
American recipes are litch like
β’3.5 handfuls of milk
β’2/7 cup of cheese
β’Pasta to taste
hackers play passwordle
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Since Iβm not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
β¬π©π©π©β¬
π©π©π©π©π©
π¦β¬π¦β¬π¦π¦
π©π©π©π©π©
π©β¬β¬β¬π©
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Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Husband: Letβs role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend youβre our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.