chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Everyone’s family
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
birds and squirrels envy us
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.