Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

Dating Tips
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Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.