chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
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You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.