[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
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Best mom ever 😂
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Banana is the quietest snack
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.