Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
You Might Also Like
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.