Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
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Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
it be like that
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?