Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits