Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
You Might Also Like
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
happy friday
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.