Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”

Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”

Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure”

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises