Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
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Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.