choose your fighter
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don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.