choose your fighter(holiday edition)
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Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.