[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
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Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G1: “and it stinks”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R
M: Oh my god! Mom!
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir