choose your gary
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Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there