@panarin_misha

choose your gary

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@Browtweaten

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

@Marlebean

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

@rmfnord

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

@TheyCallMeMaaaa

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

@DaddyGrownup

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

@bananagrvyrd

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

@Tmoney68

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

@AngieDavisHaha

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.