Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
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Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires