Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
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You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.