choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
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I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again