Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
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TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
This is true.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
This has made my week.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.