chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
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if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”