Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.