Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW