Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
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wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…