Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.