christening a ship with an overripe banana
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“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Growing out my freckles.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.