Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
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[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.