[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
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One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.